In a Word: Listen

In a word: Listen
In a Phrase: Listen to connect
In a Sentence: Growth requires us to listen to connect (heart -to-heart), not judge or reject.
 
The period from 25 weeks' gestation to 5 to 6 months of age is most critical to the development of the neurosensory part of the auditory system.[1] We are designed to listen and make connections to our external world from the most primal parts of our brain.  As we grow and develop, we learn to listen to our internal and external worlds, which can vastly cancel each other out. Knowing how we listen as adults is key to self-awareness and growth.  And, experiencing the most advanced form of listening through coaching can have excellent results in personal and professional growth.
 
In Judith Glaser’s, “It’s Time to Fix the way you are listening[2],” there are four common types of listening which I have edited slightly:

1. Noise-in-the-attic listening. To project that we are good listeners, we might sit silently while others talk. Outwardly, we appear to be listening. Inwardly, however, we may be listening to the noise in the attic—disengaged from the speaker’s ideas and involved in our own mental processes. Such listening tends to develop from childhood experiences. As youngsters, we may have heard: “Don’t talk while I’m speaking!” “Don’t ask so many questions!” “Why? Because I said so!” Conditioned by these warnings, many of us turn off our minds and habits of inquiry. Instead of clarifying the speaker’s intent, we are preoccupied with our internalizations: “Who does she think she is?” or “I can do his job better than he can.” Or, we may find ourselves planning tomorrow, or completing a thought—returning from time to time to listen to what is being said. Sound familiar?
2. Face-value, shallow listening. When think we are hearing facts, the words we are hearing are interpretations. In face value listening, the listener isn’t mentally checking back into the real world or conversationally drawing on layers of experience to assess whether the words explain what they purport to explain. Face-value listeners hear only literal meanings and make quick judgements and conclusions. 
3. Position listening. In organizations (yes, churches too), people tend to engage in position listening when they seek clues to how their competence is perceived and the impact of the speaker’s position on them. People listen for power dynamics. For example, a Ministry Lead might listen to the Council’streasurer annual report to determine whether her ministry area will be growing. What she hears and internalizes could lead to faulty assumptions and easily impact her motivation and performance as well as her relationships with other ministry leaders. 
4. Listening to connect.  People thrive on connection and affirmation, not criticism and judgment. Listening to connect quells our lower, primitive brain, which seeks to be right or judge others. Listening is not an end in itself, but part of a dynamic process between people that creates space for growth and engagement, for sharing and discovering, and for enabling new ideas, thoughts, wisdom, and growth to emerge.

How does listening to connect apply to coaching? 
 
I believe coaches need to identify their own processes for open, “listening to connect” conversations. When I prepare to coach, I spend about 10-15 minutes preparing my physical and mental spaces. I quiet my mind through breath work. This helps me clear my own “attic spaces” acknowledging and releasing thoughts, biases and solution-oriented thinking. When I enter into the coaching engagement my heart and mind are open to connect and hold a safe space. While coaching, I literally visualize connecting my heart to my client’s heart. 
My experience is that heart-focused connection enables me to listen deeply without judgement, reflect back what I hear and ask direct, open-ended questions. When I hear “self” judgement or rejection from my client, I “double click” on the words and explore what is underneath.  This is also true for shallow or positional responses. Double-clicking can look like, 
“Say more about…” 
“What associations do you have with…?” 
“How is … serving you …?” 
“Where do you feel…in your body? What does that part say about…?”  
“How does…impact those you interact with?” 
 
When the person I am coaching also embodies listening to connect (especially heart-to-heart), not judge or reject, they have access to thoughts, ideas and resources not previously explored. Breakthroughs happen. Trust deepens. Progress towards personal and professional growth and goal achievement is realized. 
 
Up next from Christy: 
In a Word: Flow
In a Phrase: Neuroscience of Level III Conversations
   
Christy Hartigan
Associate Certified Coach (ACC), International Coaching Federation (ICF)
MetroDC Coach (Level 2)
New Connections Campaign Director, MetroDC Synod

[1]Graven, S., and Browne J., Auditory Development in the Fetus and Infant, Science Direct, online https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1527336908001347
 
[2]Glaser, J., Leaders (October 2014). It’s Time to Fix the Way You Listen. Downloaded from Entrepreneur onlinehttps://www.entrepreneur.com/article/239221